I Want to Tell You How I Feel, Jan. 4, 2020

I want to tell you how I feel.
But… I am worried,
that everything I say could
unnecessarily strain
our relationship.
A relationship of lovers.
You must know, by now,
that I love you.
More than a friend,
more than a family member,
more than I should…perhaps.

I want to explain to you
how neglected I feel.
I want
to carefully, cautiously explain
that I haven’t heard from you
enough,
but
that I want to hear from you
only as much as you want to talk to me.
only… it doesn’t feel like you want to.

Your distance,
something I told you not to worry about
…I am worried about.
I feel
like I’ve been abandoned,
a dockless boat.
Adrift.
But this…
this is dependency, isn’t it?
This is unhealthy,
isn’t it?

Is this what you’re teaching me?
Are you teaching me
Independence?
I have begun to look into
coping with abandonment, and lonliness.
I have begun to try and establish
myeself with a community…even though
everyone is always busier.
I’m feeling
so terribly lonely.

I went to the jazz club today, and
though I sat and spoke
with strangers who became friends
without even exchanging names,
I felt as though I burdened even them.
My responses
quiet…and brief.
didn’t invite much of a response, or
inspire the conversation to continue.
I made pictures of the performers,
but kept
myself inside myself.
Surely, I seemed out
of place amongst the audience, who
were dancing about in their reverie.

You once said that you could be heartless.
Of course,
I refused
to believe it then.
I still don’t
believe it.
YOu see…how
can a person who posesses my heart,
be heartless?
I want to tell you
how I feel.
This sadness tells me
I am wanting.
Wanting words from you
wanting you to want to talk to me
wanting you to be near again
wanting you to want to be near me again
wanting you to know how I feel
Wanting you to want to know how I feel
Wanting you
as you have been in the past
to be gentle with my heart.

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