The Love of Oneness – Jan. 8 – 2020

How can we call it love
if when it ends
the words that we think
to pass through the lips
would leap off the tongue
with a poisoned tip?

(We cannot)

How can I tell you
you’ve taken from me
the safety I found
when wrapped in your arms?

How can I tell you that
I still want to know you
that I’ll continue
to be near you
for the safety I remember
but now only find
in the smiling eyes of your loved ones?

(I cannot)

That message seems
a trojan horse
carrying inside it
words meant to sting
you who I never want
to shead a tear
least of all by my hand

(These words are true)

This is how we know it is love
when even after
everything has fallen
we’ve broken our hearts
apart
we still want for each other
our bodies locked by an arms length
yet our souls
in an instant
would still happily react
with excited urgency
reaching out with open palms
and steadying hands
at the sight of the other
threatening to stumble
risking collapse
a collapse which
not one of us could bear witness to

the other’s soul
fallen
paralyzed and defeated
lifeless and saturated
by sorrowful thoughts
pushing tears out
in the heaving breaths
wheich seem to illustrate
the enormous effort
one must endure
simply to stay alive

Can we call it love
if when it falters
or when we think it has hurt us
we shy away from its concord
and recede into isolation
into the disharmony loneliness?

(No.)

and so this is love
not as defined by tired old stories
not as depicted in the pages
of books that speak
of love and loss
as posessions of two separate characters
this is the love of existence
it is instead
an expression
this is existential love
a love that
having met its conventional limit
is bound no more
can act of its own free will
and bring forth unity
this is the love
of oneness
this is the love
that does not end

I Want to Tell You How I Feel, Jan. 4, 2020

I want to tell you how I feel.
But… I am worried,
that everything I say could
unnecessarily strain
our relationship.
A relationship of lovers.
You must know, by now,
that I love you.
More than a friend,
more than a family member,
more than I should…perhaps.

I want to explain to you
how neglected I feel.
I want
to carefully, cautiously explain
that I haven’t heard from you
enough,
but
that I want to hear from you
only as much as you want to talk to me.
only… it doesn’t feel like you want to.

Your distance,
something I told you not to worry about
…I am worried about.
I feel
like I’ve been abandoned,
a dockless boat.
Adrift.
But this…
this is dependency, isn’t it?
This is unhealthy,
isn’t it?

Is this what you’re teaching me?
Are you teaching me
Independence?
I have begun to look into
coping with abandonment, and lonliness.
I have begun to try and establish
myeself with a community…even though
everyone is always busier.
I’m feeling
so terribly lonely.

I went to the jazz club today, and
though I sat and spoke
with strangers who became friends
without even exchanging names,
I felt as though I burdened even them.
My responses
quiet…and brief.
didn’t invite much of a response, or
inspire the conversation to continue.
I made pictures of the performers,
but kept
myself inside myself.
Surely, I seemed out
of place amongst the audience, who
were dancing about in their reverie.

You once said that you could be heartless.
Of course,
I refused
to believe it then.
I still don’t
believe it.
YOu see…how
can a person who posesses my heart,
be heartless?
I want to tell you
how I feel.
This sadness tells me
I am wanting.
Wanting words from you
wanting you to want to talk to me
wanting you to be near again
wanting you to want to be near me again
wanting you to know how I feel
Wanting you to want to know how I feel
Wanting you
as you have been in the past
to be gentle with my heart.

I’m Struggling – Jan. 4, 2020

I’m struggling
to stay afloat
I’m drowning
underneath all my thoughts
I can’t figure out
if your silence
and your distance
are a test
are they asking me to tell you
how I’m really feeling?
That I can’t stop thinking about you
I can’t stop worrying
you’ve forgotten about me
I’m constantly wanting
to flood you with messages
and wondering
if I should tell you
your silence feels like
you don’t want to know me anymore